All About Me in 28 Days (Day 17)

Today, we talk about our biggest insecurity in life for our little ‘meme’ assignment.  Frankly, I am a little insecure talking about it in a public forum.  But, never being one to be a weenie about putting myself ‘out there,’ I figured I had better just get it over with and put it behind me.

I did honestly think of picking something less personal to post about, but didn’t want to be dishonest about the whole blooming mess.  So…

I have this amazing aversion to pain.  I know, I know, it’s one of those primal things that we all tend to avoid.  But, I am worse than most.  Now, I know you looked at my graphics and expected the usual drivel that goes something like, “fat girl whines that she is still fat.”

Nope.  I was a very happy and curvaceous fat chick.  It wasn’t until I got horrible news from my doctor that the pain from being fat was greater than the comfort from eating the way I liked.  Then, getting accustomed to, and staying perfectly with my doctor recommended and monitored plan was super easy.  Sure, I wanted sugar and carbs desperately the first couple of days, and less as time went on.  Eventually, I ceased to care for them at all.

I lost 50 lbs.  And then I noticed something, well, icky.  I discovered that my body wasn’t bouncing back from this weight loss like I had hoped.  I had buckets of disgusting, droopy skin.  Honestly, my body image was so much better when I was a chubby(ier) chica!  I began having some minor, but annoying, medical issues from the excess skin.  I was utterly disgusted.

I talked to my doctor about the situation.  He gave me some advice and told me how proud he was of me (yay, me!) and that I was only about 30 lbs from him being able to talk to insurance about a tummy tuck to get rid of that excess skin (uh, what?).  Apparently, in addition to having the nasty skin issues, I likely have oodles of little hernias that will need to be taken care of also.  Great.

I have only known one lady to have ever gotten a tummy tuck.  She got a staph infection (MRSA, of course) and we thought she would never heal.  She claimed that it was much more painful than having children.  That didn’t exactly sell me on the procedure!

Another friend just had a minor one (no cutting of muscles, just repairing that they didn’t grow back together properly after having her kids).  She is claiming horrendous pain.  Again, not a selling point for little ol’ moi!

Now, backing up a bit, I gained 20 lbs over the Christmas holiday.  I have gotten about 10 back off, but seem to be having way more difficulty this time in re-losing the additional ten so I can continue to move downward, as it were.

I am also the Queen of being known for great insightfulness, but totally unable to see anything objectively about myself.  Yep.  I am the Queen of the Oblivious to the Painfully Obvious!  You heard it here, folks!

Hubby finally asked me if my disgust with the skin had anything to do with my inability to get my act back together.  In his mind, he is concerned for my health and if having this procedure is part of being healthy, you take some pain pills and get on with it.

Why couldn’t I see that?  Seriously.  But, the truth of the matter is, that I probably need significantly more than a tummy tuck.  I most likely need a ‘body lift.’  Great.  There is nothing like having Frankenstein stitches across the gut, down both arms and the insides of the legs, and maybe even my jawline.  It’s not the kind of thing that makes a girl want to sing, “I feel pretty!”  Holy crud!  The whole situation scares the ever loving poop out of me (yes, I know that ‘poop’ seems a bit like understatement, but I run a pretty clean ship over here!)!

So, now that the blatantly obvious situation has been pointed out to me, I now have to find a way to wrap my head around it and find a solution before I just take the easy way out and put the weight back on.

I am kicking myself that I let this situation occur.  Now, I am having to deal with pain, that I seek to avoid, at every turn.  Sigh.